This is a blog about my ongoing mental health challenges. I’m a 50 year old man, married with two children. I own and run a business business a founded nearly 7 years ago.

I’ve suffered with mental health issues all my life. Primarily anxiety and depression. According to my medical records I first visited a doctor about anxiety in 1995. 30 years later I’m not only still struggling but I’m struggling badly.

Just over a year ago I embarked on getting help from new doctors. Since then I have been working with a private psychiatrist and a private therapist. I’ve had more therapy than you can shake a stick at. Lots of CBT, analytical and various other flavours. This times its compassion focused therapy.

For more than 10 years, Duloxetine was the one antidepressant that seemed to bring me some quality of life. Then it started not to work so well and tailed completely off.

Over the last year I have moved up to the maximum dose of Duloxetine, moved to Fluoxetine (for the second time in my life, this time at the maximum dose), been prescribed Risperidone, Paroxetine and most recently Vortioxetine.

At my request I have also been referred to to the Oxford NHS self pay Ketamine service.

My depression and anxiety is worse than ever. I have no quality of life. I now suffer incredible brain fog, poor memory and confusion. I feel dizzy and physically less able. I now communicate poorly. I struggle to get words out, I stumble over sentences, I can’t recall the words I want to use.

I think about suicide a lot. I can’t take that option because it would affect the lives of my children. I don’t want them to suffer what I have and continue to suffer.

This blog is an attempt to get some of this down on ‘paper’. Maybe to get it out of my head. Maybe to print and lave for my kids one day to help explain why their dad became so withdrawn and disengaged. Possibly even as a cry for help, although I suspect there is little help available to me.